A hug sent in the mail

I recently learned that the young daughter of a friend of mine has cancer. There are moments where no words can actually express the sorrow at such a statement. The only thing I knew how to do was to send her the brightest, girliest quilt I could come up with. And fast.Today they posted a photo of the quilt in its brave little owner's arms.

Z and mommy draw

We don't do it every day, but we still are doing our morning drawing times. No school today, so we are getting extra long drawing time. I just told Z, " I know it's hard for mommy to wake up to do this, but I really love drawing with you in the mornings."

7 year old girl

Tucking Mimi into bed. She wants to sleep on the floor tonight, so we've got 5 of my quilts beneath her and 2 on top. We discuss if it's better to be a fairy or a mermaid and then we sing a song together. Earlier today she made me a pair of earrings from my own supplies and wore her roller skates for a solid 10 hours, including skating through our house, a neighbors house a skating rink and a Barbie movie. Earlier this week i squealed with delight when she emerged from school covered in paint the way she had planned that day for art class. (She wants to look like her art teacher, who wears flowing skirts covered in paint) And I wonder, why did no one tell me that having a 7year old girl is the best thing ever?

The design director takes on jewelry

Mimi told me this am that she wanted to make "real" jewelry. So we pulled out my old beads and I showed her a few pointers and she was off and running.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

The LACMA rock comes to town

For the past 10 days, the largest mass moved since the pyramids has been traveling across southern CA. It's headed to live permanently at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, which is right here in our life... The truck carrying it is the size of a football field and it has to go between 2-5 mph in a special route through LA only moving between 10pm-6am.
It's kind of a big deal. :)
I heard it was coming just a few blocks from our house and thought I'd go see it. Then I realized this is something that will forever be a part of LA history and my kids will see the rock at the museum from now on. They'll take their kids to see the rock. "All right... They're 7 and almost 6, they'll remember this." I decided to wake them up and get them out running through LA with me to make this memory.
Daddy has been out of town for a few days and he made it in the door just as it was time to leave to go see the rock! Kendra came with us and we raced down the streets of West Adams to catch it. We got to see it cross over the 10 freeway. We chased it down the street... By the way, 3mph is fast when you're carrying a 60lb child.
As we drove home, I sighed with happiness. I'm so so glad we did this. I'm writing this at 1am, daddy is finally asleep after his long work week, the kids are trying to fall asleep after all that adrenaline... And I'm sitting here, grateful for the opportunity to give them this memory.

Wire wrapped ring

Lest my last post was too heavy, here's one that is easier to swallow. Or actually, please don't swallow this because it's a huge ring I made today while simultaneously playing UNO with Z and supervising Mimi's beading project.
The glass bead is one my pal Amy gave me a few years ago. I've been trying to figure out what to do with it... Now I can enjoy it.
Now what to do with the other 6 identical beads?

Re•building joy - march 8

Some weeks are easier than others. This week: not so easy.
Tonight involved returning to art class where a bunch of people gathered to share about Franklyn. I'm glad I went, though, a number of times during the day I wondered if I had the emotional strength to face more grief head-on right now. About an hour before I left for class, my phone began to ring. The caller ID told me it was DCFS. My heart froze and I decided to ignore the call. I used to drop everything for their calls, but now I'm not a foster parent... I let it ring. Then my landline began ringing. (almost no one has that number). It was DCFS. I picked up.
The voice at the other end said they were reviewing our entire case and that our adoption attempts were being closed, home study being finished now that we don't have Baby. The lady was kinder than I expected. She actually said how so so sorry she was at what we had been through. She knew all the details, had them there in front of her and felt horrible for our experience. I don't think I ever expected a "sorry" call from DCFS. I told her "we adored him every minute we had him and we miss him so much." The call shook me.

I also saw a grown woman being a bully this week and I got so angry that I couldn't calm down for hours.
I'm learning that anger is a part of grief. These days I feel angry when I see someone manipulating or bullying someone else. I can relate to being bullied by words and fear and it makes me furious. I'm not near as angry for my own self as I was before, but I find that injustice, unfairness or lack of control gets me really agitated. Sadly, I have an almost 6 year old who also feels deeply and is not unlike Momma in his grieving and anger. Here is someone who is no longer a big brother and has no way to express how angry that makes him feel except to lash out in aggression whenever he is with me.

I'm exhausted.
I've got three (really, three!) quilts in the upcoming Glendale Quilt Show. All of which are intensely related to this journey of mine. They are heavy emotionally when I look at them. I even forgot to bring my finished Timeline quilt to the Los Angeles Modern Quilt guild meeting on Monday. I couldn't believe I forgot. My friend whispered, "maybe you sub-consciously just want to be done with it and you don't want to talk about it" - that could be true.
In the past, my artwork has always been intense, but far more harmonious than heavy. This stuff lately, both in my collage class and my quilts is so angry. When no one is around, my car hears me shout and throw my own tantrums.
I'm trying to get it all out, but not sure how to direct it. Then I have a 6yo version of my grief telling me he wants a new mommy because I said he had to wear shoes... (or any number of factors)
Some weeks are easier than others. Some just have to be survived.
Re•building joy doesn't feel like where I am at right now. But I get that if I'm strong enough to look around with my eyes open, then I am stronger than I was 4 months ago. Back then, I had lots more balls in the air - I even think i felt like a better mom than I do now, but on the inside I was crumbling. I know more now. I'm still shaken. I still want my baby. I'm still afraid I will never be the same. I still look over my shoulder and am hyper vigilant around my kids. But I also know I'm not hiding anything, there's no stuffing it down. And as each tablespoon of yuck surfaces to the top, I skim it, examine it and try to get it out to make room for more joy.
There may be a few more angry quilts in me before this is done. Bear with me... Its a long journey. But we will make it out... I'm sure.

libbydibby shared an Instagram photo with you

Hi there,

libbydibby just shared an Instagram photo with you:

view full image

"Wearing my new scarf on a sunny winter day. Birthday presents rock."

Thanks,
The Instagram Team

Birthday pics

I can't believe I didn't show you all the fun pics that everyone sent to me for my birthday! This seriously made my day, everyone. There were people near and far that emailed me and said they had dressed up in my honor for my birthday. I literally laughed out loud at some of the pics I got and cried, too.
Some of you wore stilettos to playgroup, skirts in Chicago winter weather, cowboy boots to the airport... and I did get a number of emails from people who either forgot to take pics or were sick, but thought about dressing up... I am SO grateful. How dear are my friends (both cyber and real)
Here are two collages I made up to represent my birthday gift from you all.

I spent the morning finishing my Timeline quilt and was able to submit it as an entry for the Modern Quilt Guild Showcase.

When the mail came, I realized how many of my amazing friends know that I love mail!
THANKS!

Then I picked up my kids from school and took them through the McDs drive through for ice cream cones. (I know, SO glam!) How much do you love Z's weird eyes-on-you thing in the background?

At night we went out for dinner and drinks with a few close friends and family members in Hollywood and I was happy happy happy.

Thanks for all the well wishes!

Franklyn Liegel - I will miss you.

If you were to look up Franklyn Liegel on the Internet, you'd find lots of references to his collage work, to the art shows he's curated and participated in and the students he's inspired. These two (fuzzy) pics are the only two I could find. You might even find somewhere that he's taught an amazing Collage class at Art Center (at night) for years and has a small but steady group of artists that take his class over and over and over again (for years). I'm one of those artists/students, though I've only known Franklyn for a year and only taken the class two semesters.
If you were to explore his studio, I'd imagine you'd find an amazing collection of books, judging by the way he always has one to lend to someone that refers to something in their work that he wants them to explore. Recently he opened a gift in front of the class, took one look at the new book and lent it to me to study for two weeks because he thought it would inspire me. When I returned it, I had sewn a patchwork case for it to keep it safe always in his studio. Franklyn keeps literal files on his students and reads and rereads our profiles that we submitted. One day about a year ago he came in excited to share with me that he was good friends and often shows his art with my favorite art professor at Pepperdine (Joe Piasentin).
This semester at our class has been sweet. We are only a class of 5 or 6 and all but one of us are repeats. There are even other Art Center professors who sign up as students for Franklyn's class. He's a quirky, free spirited and sometimes confusing person. He's hard of hearing and he can't see well. He has a temper. But I've not seen a professor throw so much of himself into his students - each one - in many years. We take the class because of him. And then we take it again.
Yesterday I was getting ready for class at night. I drive an hour through rush hour traffic across downtown LA to do this class from 7-10pm every Thursday. Babysitting isn't cheap. But as I was getting ready, I got a call from the school. Class is cancelled. Franklyn had passed away the day before. (WHAT?)
I'm stunned and so so sad.
Franklyn, you will be greatly missed. It was an honor to know you and to share a love for collages and quilts and books with you. You impacted my art tremendously and have given me confidence in my work that I didn't have before. You've exposed me to new techniques and artists and thoughts. I have pieces of paper around my house, with your name on them listing the things I wanted to talk with you about this week. I'm sorry you didn't get to see the quilt I finished this week that I was going bring to share or the book I wanted to show you. Thank you for being such an inspiration. I will miss you.