Southern California Fast Food Healing

As you know, I live in Los Angeles. And yes, my husband does work in entertainment and yes we do regularly see friends on tv and names we know in the credits. We sit through the end of the credits at the theater to cheer for the names we know. We can see the Hollywood sign from our street and we have drive by shootings too. We go to the beach in January and complain when its below 60 degrees. All of it.
We also are a regular hard working family, surrounded by regular hard working families.
But sometimes there's another part of LA that puts the pressure on. The image of things always having happy endings and wrapping up quickly. Today, I was waiting in the driveway at in'n'out burger thinking about fast food and how I wish grief and healing were fast. They're not.
When we lost our first adoptive placement back to the foster system... Baby AJ - I was devastated. But hopeful too - that someday wrong would be made right. I gave myself 6-8 weeks to grieve and then never looked back. (meaning I actually shut the door on a lot of pain and disappointment without ever dealing with it). Then came baby Ace. I realized with him that there was a LOT of pain I hadn't dealt with, because it was hard to love him from such a wounded soul.
After he was gone too, I felt so much of a failure. Not that I had done anything wrong per se, but that I wasn't strong enough to handle and absorb the wrongs done to me. I wanted to be their champion and instead I was just a wounded foster mom - unable to make a true difference in their lives - or at least the difference I had wanted to make. I felt helpless and really could do nothing on their behalf. Such a horrible feeling to have to let go of a baby and then let them loose into a broken and prejudiced system that wasn't necessarily giving them anything good. I couldn't even fight for their rights.

When we tried this last time, we got WAY more than we bargained for. I never imagined that I would be facing someone threatening to hurt my own kids. I never thought I would really be someone who had a restraining order against a dangerous and unpredictable person. (Can we just take a moment and think about the fear you are dealing with when you get to the place where you are actually granted a restraining order?) Its almost too much.

Deep breath....
So on sunny days like today, after a fun black-tie event the night before, it's easy to wish for a fast food healing. To hope that the world will be bright and sunny tomorrow and nothing will hurt. Well, if there's one thing I am learning, it's that healing (like growing) takes time. And you can't rush it. There can be steadily brighter days. The amount of laughter may increase exponentially. But there are always smells, sounds, memories, and dreams that encroach in on an otherwise regular day. "I can't take the carpool lane because I don't have a baby with me" ...."he loved this song"... "yes, you can leave your Legos out because the baby isn't here to eat them"
All sorts of things, to remind. To remind you that he's gone - and not ever coming back.

Sometimes, even warm, sunny days in February can't bake grief out fast enough. Sometimes I feel like the mountain in front of me to healing is so high. In moving forward, I'm also having to look back. I can't see how I can heal without truly understanding where I've been. I see now that to have made it this far, I must have been brave and I must have had strength. I'm quite depleted now though. I'm jumpy. I always look over my shoulders and I'm crazy wary with my kids.

Over these past few months, we've had a specific soundtrack we play all the time. It's a mix I made right before G left. This morning I drove to have a mommy (fabric) playdate with a dear friend. In the car on the way, I listened to one song and kept skipping back to hear it again. I'll paste the lyrics below. I know I don't share my spiritual side super much here on this blog, but on days like today, when I wish I could heal faster, and I don't feel strong, it seems fair to share what I'm feeding myself to keep walking. I hope you find it as encouraging as I do.

Please Be My Strength - (By Gungor)
I've tried to stand my ground
I've tried to understand
but I can't seem to find my way

like water on the sand
or grasping at the wind
I keep on falling short

please be my strength
please be my strenth
I don't have anymore
I don't have anymore

I'm looking for a place
that I can plant my faith
one thing I know for sure

I cannot create it
I cannot sustain it
It's Your love that's keeping me

Please be my strength...

at my final breath
I hope that I can say
I've fought the good fight of faith

I pray your glory shines
through this doubting heart of mine
so my world would know that You

You are my strength
You and You alone
You and You alone
Keep bringin me back home

Playtime at the Awards show

Awards shows are fun to dress up for but they are really (no, Really) long and filled with lots of anxiety about whether or not you win. (jay didn't win tonight, sadly).
At least our phones make for some fun ways to kill time.

I have the coolest friends - Latifah, the Quilt Engineer

How cute is this picture of my sweet and super creative friend, Latifah? I'm super proud of her in this article. Her work is amazing, too... Want to see what you get when an artist is also an engineer and a quilter? Check out her work at www.thequiltengineer.com
(And i can honestly say its the first time I've bought Ladies Home Journal.)

Sew rewarding, this hand quilting

Sew rewarding, this hand quilting, a photo by libby dibby on Flickr.

I'm not sure why at the most stressful points in my day (week/life) - why this is so very rewarding and calming for me, but it is.
Just smoothing my hand over the back of this project, seeing the even, colorful stitches.... Wow, I can't describe how ordered and good it feels.
Everything else can be out of control, but colorful stitches in a straight row by the hundreds? That is nice. Very nice.

Hollie's post on her blog about the Speed Pieced Quilt

Read Hollie's post at her amazing blog about our Speed Pieced Charity Quilt.

She took way more pics than I did (with a real camera, too) and it's easy to see how this is going to keep the momentum when you read in her voice how excited we all were!
CLICK HERE to read it

A Day with AnnaMaria Horner and the LAMQG meeting. (on cloud nine)

Ok, so if you have ever had a conversation with me in the past 6 years about designers that I love, you will know that my short list will undoubtedly include the much beloved AnnaMaria Horner.  I learned about her and loved what she was doing before I was really sewing, even.  My pal, Tori, saw an article about Anna in a magazine and passed it on to me while I was a textile designer, dreaming of someday doing something a little less corporate, a little more wild and free. (I worked in Interiors, which can sometimes be a study of trying to make neutrals look amazing. I got to work on some unbelievably cool projects with amazing design firms and designers, but the life as a corporate designer was hard on the soul) To know my work now is to know that I love love love bright colors and pattern and really, I always have.
When I read about Anna, and saw her work, so many years ago, I remember thinking, "wait, you can be a textile designer and do awesome stuff?" My heart stopped. I think I remember writing her a gushing letter about how even though we're only a few years apart that I wanted to be her when I grew up. I'm not a big "fan" of that many people. Even when we attend Jay's Hollywood work parties, or hang out with our Entertainment Industry friends, I avoid fan-speak.  It's just awkward. (and also generally quite inappropriate in our circles in Los Angeles)
But when I learned Anna was coming to our guild for a meeting, I freaked. And then when I got the email announcing she was teaching a class at my friend's quilt shop (Sew Modern), my heart lept. Literally, I ran out of the Friday performance that my kids were doing at school (I didn't miss their parts!) and signed up as quickly as I could for the class. What was I going to make when I got there? What was the class for? I didn't care!!!! I got in.
Well,  yesterday was the class. And I completely gushed when I met her. I think it's the only time in my life I have done that. Anna was gracious and laughed and said, "so if I was teaching cookie baking, you'd be here?" my answer: YES.

The class, though, was great! And two LAMQG friends were there among the other women too, which made it more fun as we all sewed up our Multi-Tasker totes.

 (Great bag, I'm gonna make more). Plus, besides being with Anna, I got to soak up all the laughter, knowledge, and sewing. I got to know sweet Julie, and Jennifer is always good for a laugh.

Here's the thing. You all know what I have been through. You know that I need to laugh like I need air right now. At the guild meeting last night, which was basically a few hours that included listening to Anna's presentation (go on, we want to hear it all!) and a 48 hour reunion with my retreat buddies - along with all the fun that a LAMQG meeting always is... well... I was grinning ear to ear.
My pal, Latifah, said to me "Liberty, you look like a different person after this weekend. It shows on your face." And I can't help but to JOY-fully receive and nod to that comment. Jay sees it too. And I'm not the only one who had a much needed boost of happy, this weekend. Hollie is saying the same kinds of things.
Someone said it right yesterday, "this guild is special. It's like the best sorority you've ever heard of."

Visit LA Modern Quilt Guild

I just can't believe that I am a part of such an amazing group of women. And that just a few years ago, it started because two blogging friends (Alissa and Latifah) decided to make up something called The Modern Quilt Guild. Because they did, (and also because they are kind, warm and lovely women, too) I have the most diverse, encouraging, tight-knit group of friends that I have had since college. I've gotten to take classes with people I have admired from afar (Denyse, Angela, AnnaMaria), I have seen the work of fellow members (Patsy, Ramona, Jennifer, and so many more!) that have inspired me, taught me new techniques and taken my creative work to new levels.

And right now, most importantly, I'm smiling. I've filled up on hugs and tears, fabric and coffee with these women over the past few years. They've been so amazing to listen and cry with me over my last 2 years' journey - and now they are instrumental in helping me to walk out of a dark forest.
I've rambled all over in writing this post... but that's where I am at. Grateful, happy, inspired, and encouraged!
Remember this post? And the photo that started "Re-building Joy"?  Well, I am a month in. And I'm happy to announce that I'm somewhere in between the photos...
Not all the way there, but I'm on my way, guys. Thanks for walking this journey with me.

More retreat sewing - tote bags

I've probably made 50 tote bags. But not where they looked completely "finished", without raw edges... There was always either a served edge or an unfinished lining... Since most of my sewing is self taught, I simply don't get everything on my own until someone shows me. (I also learn best by being taught as opposed to reading directions)
This weekend was perfect for that. The last morning was really fun. All my big projects were done, I didn't want to start a new big one, and saw my friend Lori making a beautiful tote. Every detail was finished and perfect and I literally sidled up to her and begged her help.
I raided the scrap pile and used a few strips of linen to piece the patchwork outside. Vanessa had brought extra interfacing to share, so I borrowed some of that to try out what a sturdier tote would be like and then with Lori's help, I whipped out this bag... With french seams (hidden edges) and tucked in straps.... Ooooooh, I love it.
And now it is sitting by my door filled with the supplies I need for a much anticipated class that I am taking tomorrow. I could squeal I'm so excited about that.... Can't wait to show pics!
And on top of that, the guild meeting is tomorrow, so we get to have a reunion and share about the retreat with all our other quilty friends. Yippee!

Re•joy - indulgence. (just be)

I was taught not to be super self indulgent. I was taught that I need to see the pain in the world and do something about it. I was taught that it's okay to enjoy good things, but to hold them lightly. I was taught that I should give freely because I have received freely. I was taught to be the change I wanted to see. These are GOOD things to internalize.
But sometimes we need to rest. And as a child, I saw rest modeled, too, but I'm naturally a work-horse. I don't stop just because something hurts. I almost never rest. Which means that it's hard to take time to heal. It's actually becoming a bit of a discipline for me - to check in with myself and say, "libby, you need to just BE". Not be productive, proactive or prolific. Just be.
This weekend was so good for that for me... I laughed till I cried, I made things, but I also got to have silence and moments of my feet in the grass at sunrise.
Today I pulled over at a coffee house with a shady brick patio and had a scone and some soup in the shade - instead of racing home to get life in order after my weekend away. It's hard to indulge myself this way, but I'm trying to practice the art of resting.
After this weekend away, I feel better than I have in a year. Why? Because I relaxed more than I can remember in a long time. Not striving or pushing myself to be anything other than who I am in that exact moment. How often do we do that?
Not enough.
So I'm doing it now. And then I'll go home and put my sweats back on and get back to work. But for now, I'm here.

It's a patchwork life - all zipped up

Pics here of my new patchwork bag and the ones I made for the kids all from our (awesome) scrap pile on the retreat. I brought a boatload of zippers to share, ever noticed that most of my patchwork bags have coral zippers? That's because my pal, Tori, bought them for her stationery biz about 10 years ago and then never ended up using them. I have had about 200 in my possession for about 6 years and they were what motivated me to learn how to make pouches. And I have made tons. I came to the retreat prepared to share any techniques I knew with the girls, but when I got there, I learned that my skills (all self taught), were REALLY inferior to those of some of my friends. So I was the student instead and learned some tips to really make my bags SO much nicer. I'm really pleased with how well made these are, they are miles beyond anything I had figured out on my own. Special thanks to Ramona, Katie, and her mom, Carrie for schooling me and sharing so generously their wealth of knowledge!!!

Retreat weekend quilts

a sketch I have had for years and never gotten to until now

As I wrote earlier, I was up early with the sun this morning and decided to take pics of my newly finished quilt tops in an environment a little prettier than my inner city front yard.

made by improv piecing my blocks made in the Denyse Schmidt workshop many months ago

The sun rose as I was taking these. I will always remember the sound of birdsong and wind in the trees as I took these pics.
I made lots more things... Will share them bit by bit.

tumblers - all assembled and wow, they came together fast!