Collages - on the subject of AJ

Per my earlier scanned drawings...

tonight, while J and I worked on some legal documentation of this whole situation, I kept my itchy fingers busy by giving them scissors, a glue stick and some catalogs that recently came through the mail slot. I was able to get out at least my thoughts and heart from the "mountain" drawing posted earlier... which felt really good.

I'm still amazed that after years of being so frustrated in art school and classes with paints and other mediums that my preferred medium boils down to catalogs, scissors and glue sticks. Very portable, though - and gratefully, I seem to always be satisfied with

the outcome of my time spent. I know I can get my heart out onto that paper. Here is my heart tonight.

The only way I can describe this is my heart (worn on the outside of my skin) for AJ as I wish so desperately that I could give him the love and protection he needs. The storms of life are so near and the dream of being a family is as well, but the future remains uncertain.

Libby Dibby Jewelry - it did exist once

I told you I made jewelry in a past life, right? Well, I found it all on time for the sale. It is utterly ridiculous how much there is. (oy vey) The circle photo below is the image of a necklace I made the other night... Trying to keep my hands busy so my mind and heart can process it all is totally my MO around here. This necklace was not "designed"... I literally scraped the bottom of of my unsorted bead boxes and came up with this. I've worn it the past two days. It feels therapeutic and also kind of "scrappy" to wear it. (plus it goes with everything). I'd forgotten how much I love to make jewelry... That was fun.

Mod Podge Strikes Again

I made this the other night for the sale, but now I don't want to part with it after lighting the candle in it today...

Artwork for AJ

There will be more of this - more development of these thoughts for sure... and please pardon me as I grieve a little publicly. This blog is how I express myself and seems the most appropriate place to put my heart right now.

Today, cleaning up, packing up AJ's things into boxes to be put into the attic, I found this picture that Mimi made for him last week. She loved making him drawings and then taping them to the rotating mobile on his swing so they would move around as he swung.

The two (not great, but expressive nonetheless) drawings were quick sketches that I made in church two different Sundays. The one in pen of myself holding a broken earth was drawn with AJ sleeping peacefully on my lap.

The second one was drawn right after I took that pic of Jay holding AJ in church. These were my promises to him - I made many more... and will have to let them unfold naturally, but it seemed appropriate to share them. Maybe it's not, I'm not sure. But I know that I love that baby and the dark heart in the image of me walking him to the mountain (a symbol to me for the hardships of life that need to be climbed as we reach for God) is very much a reality this week. Though I didn't know that AJ would be taken from me less than 48 hours after I drew this, I had a sense in my soul that I couldn't ever hold him close enough, long enough or make him safe enough on my own.