Be•loved

These two gifts arrived in the mail on Saturday.
The first is a mini-quilt in my favorite color by a guild/bee friend of mine, Jennifer. The bag has a "Happy Birthday, Liberty" label on it. It feels so nice to be thought of. I treasure everything my friends make for me and I love this.
The second is a valentine made by my amazingly thoughtful friend, Anita. We used to be able to get together often for coffee back in Chicago, but now we just are penpals... I have handmade cards from Anita all over my house. I think I've posted every one she's sent. She also has the incredible knack of knowing how much glitter to use on something so that it looks sparkly and exciting, while maintaining a strong sense of design.
Mail is so fun. I love my friends.

13 years ago today

13 years ago today, this beautiful man asked me to marry him. I said yes, but I had no idea how happy he would make me back then. I chose him because of his integrity and sense of humor, but he's so much more... Jay is the kindest, most patient man I have ever met and my best friend and I have been married now for 11.5 years. I would pick a day with him over a day with anyone in the world. He's thoughtful and generous, a great dad and so tender and romantic. I've also seen a bold and brave side to him as we have had to step into tough situations recently.
We actually marvel at how the past few years have drawn us closer than ever. We have been through things so hard that I never could have imagined them as part of my future... But we have stuck together like crazyglue and this man is (in my humble opinion) the best this world has to offer.
I'm so so so happy you asked me, Jay.

Libby Dibby sighting

We went to a gorgeous wedding this weekend on the beach in Malibu. (I promise there will be more pics)
For me, it was really funny to see a woman I didn't know wearing one of my skirts. (that's never happened before! Even though I've sold over 1200 skirts, you would think I would run into someone besides close friends or family wearing one, right?)
Anyhow, I tried not to stalk her, but we ended up talking because she recognized me from the show where I'd sold it to her years ago. It's funny that I was stalking her for this pic, because the wedding photographer kept stalking me because she wanted pictures of my foot tattoo (which kind of got awkward after a while).... Still, it's a fun picture to share, because I've really been hoping for this day!

Front door #3 - beach door

Yes, this is actually a front door I walked through today. J is a best man in a wedding at this house... His kindergarten buddy and college roommate, Tony. I'm sure I'll have some pics to share tomorrow.
Isn't it amazing that some people live like this? J and I both grew up overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Really close. Now we live in urban intense LA and its easy to forget that the beach even exists some days. But the ocean is always there. It's good to come back to places that can remind you to slow down and take a deep breath. Like a door that you can just walk through that says, "beach".

Front door #2

My friend's front door today. I texted her this pic and said, "Go Home!"
Sometimes friends just need a new bag dropped off on their front porch.

Front door thoughts #1

Today I am thinking a lot about front doors. I'm not at home and have to blog from my phone so this is coming in installments.
Door #1 - my door.
These pics were taken in 2010, by my friend Sonja (www.mikiandsonja.com). We had just lost Ace a week or so before, so though you may not see it, I see the exhaustion and struggle on my face. It's a lot like where I have been recently.
Regardless, you can also see my front door, which I LOVE. It's one of the reasons we bought this house. It's beautiful. And after we were robbed and needed to secure ourselves a little better, we added in the gorgeous wrought iron - which actually makes me super happy too. I worked hard with a guy named Jose to design a set of "bars" that would add to our home rather than detract.
The reason I got to thinking about my front door though today is this: somehow there is almost never a day where I don't find someone I like or love standing on my porch knocking on my door to come in. Yes, this is L.A. It's not the Midwest. But somehow my friends know that they are welcome to drop by. Even when my house is almost never clean (it is today because it's the one day a month that we have a housekeeper come!), there's always something going on, I'm ALWAYS in the middle of something, there's always a bit of chaos... My friends seem to know that they can drop by, get a cup of coffee or a cold Coke, and I will be happy to have them.
When we first walked through this house when we were buying it, we were looking at moving out of a dreary dark condo where we had been living. I remember imagining what life would be like in this house, with all its windows and it's big welcoming porch. Back then, with 2 small babies, it seemed really big. I remember thinking, "it will be so nice and big!" and then, it was as if I suddenly knew in that moment, ...almost as if someone had whispered it to me... I knew this: "it will never be empty. You will always have people coming in and going out."
And I absorbed and accepted that thought with joy.
And somehow my friends and neighbors have, too. Whether its funny exchanges and dropoffs with my local moms club gals, or my carpool buddies staying long to chat. Sometimes my across the street neighbor (hi, Chrissy!) pops over and stays for hours. Once recently she came - needing cinnamon while baking - and her hubby had to come fetch her to remind her she was cooking at home! My pal, Nicole, has hitched a ride to my door with the mailman (barefoot) when she got locked out of her house around the corner. There was about a year of Friday nights where we had pasta night every Friday and anyone could come. We used to have lots of parties before these past few years of foster care- maybe when I'm not quite so tired and wary of big groups, we can start doing that again. Until then though, I'm here. With hot coffee and cold Cokes. And there's usually some candy or cookies I could dig up too.
It's good. I don't think I've ever officially said, "come drop by my front door unannounced", but somehow, my friends know that they know I'll be happy to see them. Maybe not wearing a Libby Dibby skirt, but happy nonetheless.

3 out of 5 - multi-tasker totes

I think I've mentioned it here before, but when I learn how to do something, it takes me about 5 times to do it before I feel like I fully understand it (and then I'm bored!). So since I loved making Anna Maria Horner's Multi-tasker tote so much, I wanted to revisit doing the pattern, to wrap my head around it better. (it's quite clever!)
I came home and cut out two more from fabric I just had laying around. Well, they're done. I love this bag.
And I'm sure the recipients will love these ones too... Two more to go. Then I'll move onto another project. :)

By the way, these take only about 2-3 hours to make. The next two will probably only take about 1-2 hours each.

A glass half full - pretty pics

It all depends on how you look at it, right? (took these at the awards show the other night)

Southern California Fast Food Healing

As you know, I live in Los Angeles. And yes, my husband does work in entertainment and yes we do regularly see friends on tv and names we know in the credits. We sit through the end of the credits at the theater to cheer for the names we know. We can see the Hollywood sign from our street and we have drive by shootings too. We go to the beach in January and complain when its below 60 degrees. All of it.
We also are a regular hard working family, surrounded by regular hard working families.
But sometimes there's another part of LA that puts the pressure on. The image of things always having happy endings and wrapping up quickly. Today, I was waiting in the driveway at in'n'out burger thinking about fast food and how I wish grief and healing were fast. They're not.
When we lost our first adoptive placement back to the foster system... Baby AJ - I was devastated. But hopeful too - that someday wrong would be made right. I gave myself 6-8 weeks to grieve and then never looked back. (meaning I actually shut the door on a lot of pain and disappointment without ever dealing with it). Then came baby Ace. I realized with him that there was a LOT of pain I hadn't dealt with, because it was hard to love him from such a wounded soul.
After he was gone too, I felt so much of a failure. Not that I had done anything wrong per se, but that I wasn't strong enough to handle and absorb the wrongs done to me. I wanted to be their champion and instead I was just a wounded foster mom - unable to make a true difference in their lives - or at least the difference I had wanted to make. I felt helpless and really could do nothing on their behalf. Such a horrible feeling to have to let go of a baby and then let them loose into a broken and prejudiced system that wasn't necessarily giving them anything good. I couldn't even fight for their rights.

When we tried this last time, we got WAY more than we bargained for. I never imagined that I would be facing someone threatening to hurt my own kids. I never thought I would really be someone who had a restraining order against a dangerous and unpredictable person. (Can we just take a moment and think about the fear you are dealing with when you get to the place where you are actually granted a restraining order?) Its almost too much.

Deep breath....
So on sunny days like today, after a fun black-tie event the night before, it's easy to wish for a fast food healing. To hope that the world will be bright and sunny tomorrow and nothing will hurt. Well, if there's one thing I am learning, it's that healing (like growing) takes time. And you can't rush it. There can be steadily brighter days. The amount of laughter may increase exponentially. But there are always smells, sounds, memories, and dreams that encroach in on an otherwise regular day. "I can't take the carpool lane because I don't have a baby with me" ...."he loved this song"... "yes, you can leave your Legos out because the baby isn't here to eat them"
All sorts of things, to remind. To remind you that he's gone - and not ever coming back.

Sometimes, even warm, sunny days in February can't bake grief out fast enough. Sometimes I feel like the mountain in front of me to healing is so high. In moving forward, I'm also having to look back. I can't see how I can heal without truly understanding where I've been. I see now that to have made it this far, I must have been brave and I must have had strength. I'm quite depleted now though. I'm jumpy. I always look over my shoulders and I'm crazy wary with my kids.

Over these past few months, we've had a specific soundtrack we play all the time. It's a mix I made right before G left. This morning I drove to have a mommy (fabric) playdate with a dear friend. In the car on the way, I listened to one song and kept skipping back to hear it again. I'll paste the lyrics below. I know I don't share my spiritual side super much here on this blog, but on days like today, when I wish I could heal faster, and I don't feel strong, it seems fair to share what I'm feeding myself to keep walking. I hope you find it as encouraging as I do.

Please Be My Strength - (By Gungor)
I've tried to stand my ground
I've tried to understand
but I can't seem to find my way

like water on the sand
or grasping at the wind
I keep on falling short

please be my strength
please be my strenth
I don't have anymore
I don't have anymore

I'm looking for a place
that I can plant my faith
one thing I know for sure

I cannot create it
I cannot sustain it
It's Your love that's keeping me

Please be my strength...

at my final breath
I hope that I can say
I've fought the good fight of faith

I pray your glory shines
through this doubting heart of mine
so my world would know that You

You are my strength
You and You alone
You and You alone
Keep bringin me back home

Playtime at the Awards show

Awards shows are fun to dress up for but they are really (no, Really) long and filled with lots of anxiety about whether or not you win. (jay didn't win tonight, sadly).
At least our phones make for some fun ways to kill time.